Alternative Blogs & Articles

Sports: Olympic Athletes Hoping To Exchange Bent-Up Medals For Normal Ones

The Onion (Daily) - Sat, 02/27/2010 - 21:18
VANCOUVER—A number of medal winners at the 2010 Winter Olympics admitted Tuesday that they looked forward to exchanging their inexplicably beat-up medals for regular ones that weren't completely dented for some reason.


Sierra Leone Diamond Miner Devastated By News Of Broken-Off Engagement

The Onion (Daily) - Sat, 02/27/2010 - 20:00
KENEMA, SIERRA LEONE—"They had so much in common," said local diamond miner Muwomba D'akari before momentarily blacking out from extreme exhaustion. D'akari said he hasn't been this upset since his entire family was killed during Sierra Leone's decade-long civil war.


Sports: Bar Thinks They Have Curling Figured Out

The Onion (Daily) - Sat, 02/27/2010 - 01:00
DOYLESTOWN, PA—After three hours of watching Canada take on Denmark in women's curling Friday, regulars at the Cargo Grill in suburban Pennsylvania felt they had the rules and traditions of the sport sufficiently sussed out.


GM Closing Hummer

The Onion (Daily) - Fri, 02/26/2010 - 20:30
After a takeover deal with a Chinese manufacturer fell through, General Motors announced that it would shut down its Hummer line. What do you...


Sports: Senator Dikembe Mutombo Blocks Record Amount Of Legislation

The Onion (Daily) - Fri, 02/26/2010 - 20:03
WASHINGTON—Sen. Dikembe Mutombo (R-CO) showed that he is still one of the most dominant big men in Congress Thursday, blocking a record 16 bills in one legislative session.


[audio] Taco Bell Launches New 'Morning After' Burrito

The Onion (Daily) - Fri, 02/26/2010 - 07:00
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland


[video] Spam Crackdown Threatens Koy4Goff's Penis Enlarger, Free iPod Industry

The Onion (Daily) - Thu, 02/25/2010 - 23:45
The U.S. is considering sanctions against the Eastern European nation if it does not reduce the number of unsolicited offers for Viagra and replica handbags it sends.


Opinion: If Only I'd Listened To Virtually Anyone (by Simone Reed)

The Onion (Daily) - Thu, 02/25/2010 - 22:00
I can't believe I did it again. They tried to tell me—all of them did—but I didn't heed any of their warnings. Why do I have to be so...


[video] Filming Of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting

The Onion (Daily) - Thu, 02/25/2010 - 22:00
Rep. Cummings (D-VA) vows to ignore the haters and rise above the drama during the filming of his new reality series.


Wal-Mart Shoppers Mocked By Target Shopper

The Onion (Daily) - Thu, 02/25/2010 - 21:00
OKLAHOMA CITY—Local shopper Craig Klein took a moment to mock a group of patrons in the parking lot of a local Wal-Mart during his drive...


Bristol Palin As Herself

The Onion (Daily) - Thu, 02/25/2010 - 20:34
Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol will appear on the ABC Family program The Secret Life Of The American Teenager playing...


Daytime, Nighttime 7-11 Clerks Have Vastly Different Opinions Of Area Man

The Onion (Daily) - Thu, 02/25/2010 - 20:00
CHICAGO—While one clerk describes regular customer Chris Coles as an introverted grump who does little more than mumble, the other knows him as a gregarious singer and dancer who likes to use objects around the store as makeshift hats.


In Focus: As Real-Estate Agent, Area Man's Appearance Crucial

The Onion (Daily) - Wed, 02/24/2010 - 22:45
GRANGER, IN-Looking good is an essential component of Gregg Rafalski's success as a real-estate agent, the 35-year-old RE/MAX employee asserted Monday.


One Year Into The Stimulus Plan

The Onion (Daily) - Wed, 02/24/2010 - 21:30
It's been one year since the launch of the $787 billion federal stimulus package. How has the money helped...


Sports: Sentimental Pitchers And Catchers Fulfill Promise Of Meeting In Exact Same Spot One Year Later

The Onion (Daily) - Wed, 02/24/2010 - 21:19
SARASOTA, FL—Fulfilling a promise they made one year ago, nostalgic MLB pitchers and catchers reported to the exact same spot Thursday to recount memories of what many of them called "the best spring training ever."


10-Year-Old Shocked Woman From 'Guinness Book' Who Can Pop Her Eyes Out Not A Millionaire

The Onion (Daily) - Wed, 02/24/2010 - 21:04
CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Stunned shock and dismay were just a few of the reactions from Bobby Guntergrass on Tuesday when the 10-year-old learned...


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